All of these assumptions are wrong.
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They won’t declare bankruptcy while living at the property
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And if they do, you can evict them
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They won’t make partial payments
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They won’t make partial online payments
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They understand your late fee policy
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They will pay the water bill
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They will report water leaks such as running toilets or under the sink
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They will change furnace filters
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They don’t have pets and never will
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They won’t lie about assistance animals
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They will obtain renter’s insurance
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And won’t cancel their policy after moving in
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They will report any additional occupants who move in or turn 18
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They will sign and return lease renewals
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They will provide 30 days’ notice to vacate
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They will report fires that occur inside the property
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They will lock doors and windows
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They will maintain gas service on at the property
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They will leave the heat on when they leave for vacation or move out
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They won’t use the oven to heat your home
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They won’t use multiple space heaters with extension cords to heat your home
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They will allow you to view the property with reasonable notice
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They won’t change the locks
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Or if they do, they will give you a copy of the new key
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They won’t add locks to interior bedroom doors
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They won’t paint the walls without asking
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They will vacuum the carpets at any time
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They will respond rationally to nominal rent increases
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They understand month-to-month tenancy
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They read things
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Or if they don’t, at the very least they will read your lease before signing it
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They understand the concept of market rent
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They know how to submit maintenance requests and will do so
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They will move out on or before the last day of their lease
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They will turn in their keys upon move out
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They will notify you in any way when they move out
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They understand the concept of a nonrefundable pet deposit/fee
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They will provide a forwarding address for the security deposit
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They will not try to take every possible advantage of simple mistakes or errors made by you
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They understand pro-rated rent
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They won’t break up, get divorced, or lose their job
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They will not die or commit suicide
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Or if they do, it won’t be in your property
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Their personal check can’t bounce after 3 business days
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Their online ACH payment can’t bounce after 3 business days
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They understand the concept of “jointly and severally liable”
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They won’t smoke inside the property
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They won’t disable or steal smoke detectors
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They understand how to use common household appliances such as dishwashers
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They understand what a circuit breaker is and how to reset it
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They understand what a GFCI outlet is
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They are not physically or mentally disabled and will not become disabled
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They will not modify the structure of your property
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They will report sump pump backup battery failure alarms
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They understand how thermostats work
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They will not assume that because they see “A/C” on a thermostat, that means they have A/C.
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They will not allow the home to become infested with roaches, fleas or bed bugs
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Or if they do, they will report it
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They will not store personal items on the bare floor of an unfinished damp basement
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They will take steps to protect pipes from freezing during very cold weather
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They will not steal or destroy window screens, garage door opener remotes, and fan remotes
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They know how to set up mail forwarding
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They will check their mail
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They won’t allow cable or satellite TV installers to damage the property
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They won’t allow friends or family members to bring pets over for short or long term visits
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They won’t miss appointments that they themselves scheduled for work they requested
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They change their mind about a lease renewal or moveout date
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They will transfer the utilities into their name when they move in
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They understand what “as-is” means
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They will not lose their keys
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Or if they do, they will solve this problem without your help, especially on a night or weekend
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They will not set your property on fire deliberately
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They will report chipping or peeling paint and will not allow their children to eat paint chips
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They will not put their rent into escrow without notifying you or giving you a chance to remedy
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They will not call the health department
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They will not call HUD with a false fair housing complaint about you
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They will not call the local TV news and lie about you on camera
Inspiration via https://www.kalzumeus.com/2010/06/17/falsehoods-programmers-believe-about-names/ and https://infiniteundo.com/post/25326999628/falsehoods-programmers-believe-about-time
